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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24797224">hold me up (and chase my fears away)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildheartly/pseuds/wildheartly'>wildheartly</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mention of Past Abuse, Self-Worth Issues, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 11:08:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,496</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24797224</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildheartly/pseuds/wildheartly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Cut the bullshit!" Neil didn’t yell, however his voice was strained and full of hurt. "You spent the last 6 years telling me I can't run from my problems, that I can't turn my back to everything and everyone. So don't you dare run away from me now!"</p><p>“I’m not- I don’t… fuck, Neil. Can’t you see?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>312</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>hold me up (and chase my fears away)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Heyy, hope you guys are doing okay!! This may be a little ooc (I'm not sure lol)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>To say Andrew was having a bad week was an understatement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had been a really long time since he felt that bad. Everything was too much, from the phantom hands holding him down in his nightmares to the voices telling him everyone would be better off if he was dead. He woke up throwing punches at ghosts from his past every day. Some of them accidentally landed on Neil, so Andrew decided to ask him to sleep on the sofa until he could deal with the weight of another body next to his. Neil, ever so understanding and supportive, had just kissed his forehead and told him that when Andrew wanted to talk about it, he would be there for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thing is: he knew that he needed to talk to someone and that he definitely should schedule a session with Bee, but he didn’t want to. It felt like a huge setback in all the progress he had made since college. Thus, Andrew ignored the warning signs and convinced himself that he could deal with it alone, that he could keep it under control.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Days passed by and Andrew could feel himself falling deeper into a depressed state and, instead of letting Neil be there to catch him before his body splattered on the floor, Andrew pushed him away, closing himself off to any help the other tried to offer. It was so much easier than explaining what was happening inside his head, so much easier than telling Neil that he felt like a liability. That he felt like he was destroying the only person who loved him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To Andrew, the situation was only proof of how much of a burden he was in Neil’s life. Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>six </span>
  </em>
  <span>days passed since he asked Neil to sleep in the living room and with every passing day Neil's gaze became more worried. It made Andrew fucking pissed at himself. After all the years working towards progress, he should be able to deal with it alone, he should be able to function like a normal person. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t help but think of how unfair it was to sentence Neil to a life of </span>
  <em>
    <span>this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Touch-starved Neil, that will take any scraps of affection he can put his hands on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Touch-starved Neil, sleeping on the fucking couch because his partner can’t deal with things that happened years ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How could Neil put up with Andrew's fucked up past and boundaries? How could he be so patient and so gentle, so... </span>
  <em>
    <span>soft</span>
  </em>
  <span> with someone that only knew how to take and take and take? How could Neil live beside someone that can never be enough, someone that will always have bad, terrible days, in which even getting out of bed is too much? How can Neil live a life with someone who will never be fully healed?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The world has already done too much damage to him and you are only adding to it. Don’t be selfish. Leave before he is past the point of no return.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On normal days, Andrew would have been able to keep the self-deprecating thoughts at bay, but at the time they pierced through his mind, highlighting every insecurity and fear he had ever had about his relationship. He knew that Neil would never leave him willingly, but it was the best for him. So Andrew decided that if Neil couldn't see that he should leave before he was dragged down by all of Andrew’s baggage, then Andrew would leave before he could do more harm. So that night, after Neil had fallen asleep, he retrieved a bag from the closet as quietly as he could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had just started to pack when Neil’s footsteps made him freeze. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The auburn-haired man had become so comfortable in their shared apartment that Andrew underestimated how much of a light sleeper he still was. Andrew didn’t turn around when he heard the door open, nor when a hand that wasn’t his picked up one of the stray shirts on the floor and threw it on top of the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t forget that one, it’s your favourite.” Neil’s tone was controlled and cold as he calmly sat next to the black bag and stared at Andrew’s face, daring him to stare back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew didn’t. He couldn’t make himself face the look in his lover’s eyes, so he turned his own to a picture of both of them that sat on Andrew’s bedside table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can remember the exact moment the photo was taken. Nicky had insisted on taking at least one picture of Andrew and Neil together on Andrew’s graduation day, saying that the both of them needed something to remind them of each other through the year they would be spending apart. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Something to ease the pain</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew had refused at first but - after noticing that Neil had that look that he got when he was overthinking something - Andrew put his cellphone on his cousin’s hand and pulled Neil close. In the picture, Neil was smiling softly at Andrew. Andrew had a small smile on his face too, but only Neil would be able to notice it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, with his face hidden in Neil’s curls, he whispered three words he never thought would come out of his mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On his first year playing pro, Andrew would go sleep staring at that picture of him and Neil side by side on fox tower’s parking lot, knowing it would all be worth it once they were reunited. Now, looking at his partner’s smiley face on a photograph, Andrew thought about all the times he silently promised himself he would do everything in his power to keep Neil smiling like that and returned to throwing random clothes inside the bag.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Andrew,” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Andrew, come on, look at me,” Neil spoke softly, as though he was trying not to scare a crying child away. The way Neil’s voice sounded wrapped around his name made Andrew’s heart slam against his ribcage. It was trying to break through the bones and veins to fall into Neil’s loving hands. Andrew caught it before it could do something stupid, reminding himself of why he was doing this. “Just- just tell me what’s wrong. We can work it out, I promise.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew’s hands froze in the air, his brain short-circuiting as he just stared back at Neil, back at those sky blue eyes that meant safety and comfort for so many years and in so many ways. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eyes that kept him grounded since he first saw them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew couldn't really say anything, couldn't force the words out of his mouth. He was scared that the tears welling up would break free from his lashes as soon as his lips parted. Scared, because he couldn't remember the last time he cried. Scared, because he didn't think anything would be able to make it happen and now that he finally found something that would, he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He buried his own hands on his hair, gripping it with such force his knuckles turned white. </span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>"I need- to go."</span> <span>he gritted out. </span><em><span>Tell him it's because you don't want him anymore, he won't give up if you don't.</span></em><span> Andrew tried to say it, tried to push Neil away, but his own voice betrayed him "It's what is best for you."</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And how do you know what's best for me?” Andrew had to look away again, or else he would just throw himself at Neil and hope that the demons in his mind would shut the hell up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Look at me, Andrew." The auburn-haired man insisted. "Look at me." His hand hovered above Andrew’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even after six years, Neil would never touch the other man without clear permission when he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>distressed. Most of the time, Andrew was thankful for it but now he couldn’t force himself to vocalize what he wanted. And all he really wanted was for Neil to throw his arms around him, hold him and don’t let go. He longed for Neil’s touch, longed for the warmth of his arms. Arms that soothed Andrew on uncountable bad days, arms that were never constricting or demanding. Still, he kept away, not even dreaming of outing his wants.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he finally turned his head around, Neil had his eyebrows scrunched up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Do you want to go?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How could he ever think that I would actually want to leave him?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No,” Andrew whispered quietly, so quietly he wasn’t even sure that Neil heard it. “No, I don't." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And since when do you do things you don't want to?" Andrew almost never did things he didn’t want to do, it’s true. But when it comes to the safety of people he cares about, he would do anything. The years he spent in juvie was living proof of that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Since</span>
  </em>
  <span> when they are what's </span>
  <em>
    <span>best for you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I-"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil stopped him mid-sentence, looking at him with those confused, wide eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Bullshit, if you don't want to go then don't."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I don't want to go, but I want what is best for you." He repeated the same explanation again, making Neil look even more exasperated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Truth was, Andrew himself wasn’t sure of what he was doing. This morning, it was all clear to him: Neil could never live a peaceful life with him, so he had to go before he caused more damage. But at that moment, looking at Neil’s heartbroken expression and listening to the desperation in his voice, Andrew couldn’t recall why he thought leaving was a good idea in the first place.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Cut the bullshit!" Neil didn’t yell, however, his voice was strained and full of hurt. "You spent the last 6 years telling me I couldn't run from my problems, that I couldn't turn my back on everything and everyone. So don't you dare run away from me now!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not- I don’t… </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck, Neil. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Can’t you </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” With every word, Andrew’s voice got smaller, almost as if it hurt saying them out loud (it did). “You’re setting yourself up for a life full of worries, and inconsistency and... and walking around fucking eggshells staying with me!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was so tired, the exhaustion he felt was the product of days of pilling everything up and hoping it would eventually go away. It didn’t. He felt so full and so drained at the same time, the turmoil inside of him didn’t make sense anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew felt a pair of hands cradling his cheeks, bringing him out of his head. Neil’s thumbs swiped gently under his eyes, drying tears he didn’t even know he had shed. After hovering his hands for a moment, a silent question of yes or no, Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s waist with a tenderness no one else knew he could have and brought him close. Closer. Impossibly close.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew’s hands gripped the fabric of Neil’s hoodie and he buried his face on his partner's neck, letting the smell of cheap soap and that brand of clothing softener Neil always bought calm his crying down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt one of Neil’s arms moving and heard the noise of what was probably the bag being pushed off the bed. Andrew didn’t really care, what was he thinking anyway? It all felt so stupid now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to lay down? I can go make some hot chocolate.” when Andrew didn’t answer, Neil tried again. “Can I pick you up?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes or no, Andrew.</span>
  <em>
    <span>”</span>
  </em>
  <span> He tried once more, Andrew knew Neil wouldn’t as much as casually touch him without verbal consent while he was in a situation like this. But he was so worn out he had thought it was worth the try.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One of Neil’s arms tightened around his middle, the other sitting behind his knees before he felt his weight leaving the floor and settling in his partner’s arms. It felt good, but before he could dwell on it he was being set down on the middle of his and Neil’s shared bed and Neil was turning around. Andrew didn’t think, he just grabbed the hem of the other man’s hoodie and pulled on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The worry on Neil’s eyes sent a shiver of guilt down his spine with such force he almost let go of the soft material.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Almost.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Instead, he pulled harder on it, making Neil stumble towards the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get in here.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil obeyed Andrew’s command - if it could be called that, his voice was cracking and too rough from crying to sound like a command. After Neil made sure there was plenty of space between the two of them, he turned around to face Andrew. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to tell me what happened?” At that, he received a shake of blond hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They laid there for what felt like hours but was only minutes. Andrew moved closer to lay on top of Neil’s body, with his head on his chest. Neil immediately moved one of his hands to Andrew’s hair, running his fingers through it, secretly hoping it would soothe whatever war was raging inside the blond’s man head. After a few moments, Andrew moved his arm from where it was laying on the mattress and took Neil’s unoccupied one, pressing it against his back, telling him to hold him without using words. Andrew settled down again once he was safely wrapped in Neil’s embrace, mindlessly playing with his hoodie strings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought I could deal with it,” Andrew said. “but I couldn’t, not by myself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil hummed, but remained quiet and kept caressing Andrew’s hair, giving him time to sort out his thoughts and talk at his own pace.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I let myself believe that you were better of without me.” He carried on. “That, if I left, you would have a shot at getting to live an easier, or just a less complicated life. One where you wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch. One where you don’t have to be careful about the way you touch me when I’m not feeling okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew could feel Neil’s eyes on him, but he decided to keep messing with those terribly orange hoodie strings, pulling and pushing and knotting them together, occupying his mind with it. The hand in his hair moved to his face, drawing lazy circles in his cheek and jaw.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘Drew,” Andrew tilted his head back, trying to get a better look at Neil. Neil was already looking at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Staring.” Neil ignored him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I chose this. I chose </span>
  <em>
    <span>you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I knew exactly what I was getting into when we decided to give this a shot. I don’t regret it, I never will”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Andrew didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to. He laid his head on his junkie’s chest again, nuzzling it slightly. They still needed to talk some things out but, breathing in Neil’s smell, Andrew thought that holding each other would be enough for now.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading, I hope you have a nice day (or nice dawn, in case you are reading this in the middle of the night)!!! Comments and kudos are more than welcome!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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